Who are you really? Forget the
Given name, Surname, Maiden name, Profession and all external paraphernalia
defining you. When you strip yourself naked of it, who you are is essentially
your thoughts and notions. Part of these notions have been drilled and
conditioned into your brain which you begin to consider true. However,
thankfully a good chunk of your thoughts surmising you are organically the
result of your experiences. I read this fantastic book called “The Brain – the
story about you” by David Eagleman and for the first time I could truly
appreciate the splendour of the human brain. Thank God the brain is so blithely
dynamic and flexible that every experience you have can modify its neural
activity for better or worse. Imagine if it wasn’t for this “liveware” of brain
and its stupendous ability to edit its connections, you might be stuck with
someone else’s prejudices and principles for the rest of your life. And it
would be such a defeating existence.
Considering an average life span
of 80 years and by having spent about 40% of it, you come to believe that you
know yourself damn well. Apart from the conditioning around, you write your own
ideals, goals and ideologies in life and vouch for them as mostly unchangeable henceforth,
because of your strong faith in yourself. I believed so myself and was
headstrong about it. Only to realize that your belief system is not foolproof,
it’s fickle. And it’s not unbecoming of you to modify it, only natural. As you
experience the world, its people, things, cultures, nature, settings, your
thoughts undergo a million revisions and it sticks with a particular idea until
a newer experience challenges it. And these experiences are not always life
defining or life changing moments, they are simply perspective changing, most
cleverly unearthing your hidden facets you didn’t even know existed within you.
This is exactly who you are, discovering yourself anew every time. You never
know yourself enough.
On a personal level, life for me
was pretty much in black or white. However, as years passed by, as my
repository of experiences enriched, as I saw more of the world, I perceived the
myriad shades of gray in between. I want to refrain from saying rights and
wrongs, they are merely shades and you find yourself switching sometimes from
dark to light or light to dark. I have internally realized that as you experience
more, you judge less. And when you relieve yourself of judging others, you also
release yourself from your own judging eye and it is liberating. Sometimes you
are so hooked on to your own code of conduct that it’s almost criminal to
violate it. However, accept it or not, newer experiences make way for newer
connections and newer value and belief systems. Difficult as it might initially
seem to let go of your principles, the transition becomes very fluid when you
stop making judgements.
Let’s put it this way, you might
be a doting parent but you have surely lost all patience more than once with
your kid and whacked or wanted to whack him. I have given in to such instincts at
times, and sometimes I have overcome them. But the point is, not being a parent
and looking from a neutral aspect I would paint a very dark tinted image of
such aggressive parents. However, having been there personally I empathize with
you and do not judge you or myself. I discount my behaviour as acceptable. So what’s
right or wrong here? Nothing. There’s only my hostile neural activity and
experience which helps me relate to other such parents. This was a simplistic example;
however life has more to offer in terms of complexity.
As ordinary humans you and I face
more implicit, tabooed and precarious dilemmas. You might have been so enraged
to punch somebody right in the eye, you might have urged to know the
psychedelic trance effect of a weed joint with your peers, and you might have
desired to be flirted upon or dally with another attractive man or woman. May I
say there might be more “scandalous” situations and choices that you might find
yourself in. Curious instincts and urges have found their way to us at some
point and it would be very hypocritical to deny their presence. I recently
learnt that every slight decision that you make, takes into account your past
and future. The brain with its exponential and infinitesimal speed and prowess
of the unconscious substrata processes your past memories and future
consequences with reference to the present situation and then takes a decision.
So what you do with your instincts is a personal choice based on your
evaluation. But because you have an evolved and intelligent consciousness, it
is your decision to either surrender to immediate gratification or hold on to
your will power. As simple as you might devour a chocolate here and now or
forego it in the interest of your weight loss.
Whatever you choose to do, I might
differ from you but I do not want to condemn you. Your right is different from
my right but if at all I find myself in your shoes someday, I might understand
your right better. Very often, you will find expressing yourself most honestly,
frankly, boldly and uninhibitedly in the company of your most trusted mates
because you do not fear being judged. It is a refreshing freedom to be you. Also
very often, you look at others through filters of relationship roles and
models. You might approve of something as a woman but not as a wife. You might
indulge in something as a bachelor but not as a family man. Interestingly,
despite everything, there’s still a YOU within you who craves for things beyond
your socially conditioned periphery. And it’s very alluring to just be YOU
sometimes. I am not suggesting any depravity, insouciance or recklessness in
the popular sense here. I am only being audacious to acknowledge the instincts and
not be judged for who I am.
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