Your Circle of People = Your Sphere of Life

The beauty of life is in the fact that it makes you experience breath, growth and evolution. Had it been a string of standstill and solitude moments, it would lose much of its charm and magic. People are at the heart of our world who define the sphere of our character and lives. Travel, art, literature, sports, economy, wars, conquests, all happen because people inspire and influence each other constantly. Nature in its benign calm is soothing, in its wrath is demonic and in its functioning is mysterious; but it is people like us who give each other the high of relevance and relations, an awareness of the head and the heart.

As we came into the world, our family was the opening scene to make and understand bonds. Gradually we stepped out; the circle of interactions grew, first slowly then rapidly as we turned into adults. We found people and they found us. Of all these familiar bonds made, we of course know which ones are fake, formed for mutual favours and manipulations. Of the rest, some exist with indifference; others are for mutual fun, good times and hallelujah. But there are those genuine ones, winnowed and chafed from the clutter which we foster, nurture and treasure. If these connections are destined or chanced is really irrelevant. Because whatever be the genesis, it is time, trust and a tacit acceptance of each other which takes them to the next level.

The remarkable part of these genuine relationships is that they can be numerous and each will be very distinct from the other. With some you just laugh your heart out, do crazy stuff, with others you simply sit and talk, talk from dusk to dawn about life, love, lust and everything in between, with others you share your secrets and fears, from some you seek advice and guidance, others are your fall back cushion, you know they’ll watch your back always, somebody makes your heart throb instead of just beat, and with somebody you just melt away being yourself. Of course in some relationships the dynamics are overlapping. That one single connection takes care of a lot of variables but never all. You will find yourself sharing specific things with specific people. We unconsciously compartmentalize and sync our emotions with various individuals. For every need there is someone different. And this is the largess of our lives, a boon. A circle that has no sharp corners.

This circle interestingly explains that you and I as individuals are extremely complex and have layers of varied personalities and characteristics within ourselves. We aren’t apparently aware of these multiple wavelength needs but somehow fulfill it very well. When you experience a particular emotion – could be joy, fear, excitement, success, depression, anything, you exactly know the first person to call up. And this selection happens naturally, spontaneously, seamlessly with time. But the variables of any relationship are extremely bustling and active. They are ever changing, either flourishing or withering. So it is very naive of us to assume or say that this one particular relationship of mine will be unchanged or unscathed forever. The circle of people alters and evolves.

Every kind of relationship needs time, tender care, effort and proximity. And when one or the other changes in the wrong ratio, the bond begins to wilt away quietly. Sometimes it doesn’t die or disconnect just reinvents in a different or less intimate way. New buddies take the place of old chums, best friends become lets-catch-up-someday pals, more than friends become just friends, companions become acquaintances. That’s life, you move on. You sometimes sit back and reflect, even rue but you don’t recriminate.

When I started writing this piece, I had no inkling that it would veer to this question, but somehow it just occurred and seems fitting to put across now. We can comprehend and digest the fact that we are evolving individuals who change their relationship equations and wavelengths with time, and consequently make new connections and unmake previous ones. This is absolutely alright, no gossip, no taboo and no shame. Just natural circulation of people in our lives. But in the course of time if we might outgrow the bond with our spouse, may not share the same companionship, and might not find each other in a common head space; should it be such an outrageous affair? After all we are the same evolving individuals of flesh, blood and grey matter. So why is this such an outlawed and disgraceful possibility? I am not imposing my opinion here, just stating matter of factly.

Patience, tolerance, honesty are the keep stones of any strong and sustainable relationship. However, some relationships are blood relationships having slightly different fundamentals and when not working we distance ourselves from them not necessarily disconnect. With friends, if it isn’t working we never mutually acknowledge and decide to cut off, just the closeness dissipates and we find new ones. But only in the case of spouse does it get so difficult. This is a chosen relationship but over time might become passive and nonviable like any other, but unlike friends where you can keep piling on new ones without cutting out the old, you ideally have only one spouse. And when it isn’t thriving enough you need to acknowledge and address it. But if it’s beyond repair, you want to move on which needs severing the existing bond completely. This total split gives it the unholy, unnatural, atrocious character. Almost criminal in our local societies. Logically and rationally, it’s not villainous to step out of marriage if it serves only to stifle a person. No wonder, generations after mine and my own consider marriage an overrated and over-hyped phenomenon because there are no exit gates, not without inviting a lot of uncalled for labeling or slandering.

However, I might go back to the original happy idea of this post, it is people and people alone who colour our lives in beautiful and countless ways with their vibes. They make life pleasurable, memorable, cherishable, but above all they collectively give us something so extraordinary and exquisite that we are scared stiff to lose them and shot to pieces at the thought of losing our own life. These genuine connections, no wonder are proven essential for your well being. I read a beautiful quote somewhere, “I just want to be a happy vibe” and that’s what our inner circle of relationships are just a very happy vibe. And to go thankless for them would be a crime indeed.

THE THINKING ME

Who are you really? Forget the Given name, Surname, Maiden name, Profession and all external paraphernalia defining you. When you strip yourself naked of it, who you are is essentially your thoughts and notions. Part of these notions have been drilled and conditioned into your brain which you begin to consider true. However, thankfully a good chunk of your thoughts surmising you are organically the result of your experiences. I read this fantastic book called “The Brain – the story about you” by David Eagleman and for the first time I could truly appreciate the splendour of the human brain. Thank God the brain is so blithely dynamic and flexible that every experience you have can modify its neural activity for better or worse. Imagine if it wasn’t for this “liveware” of brain and its stupendous ability to edit its connections, you might be stuck with someone else’s prejudices and principles for the rest of your life. And it would be such a defeating existence.

Considering an average life span of 80 years and by having spent about 40% of it, you come to believe that you know yourself damn well. Apart from the conditioning around, you write your own ideals, goals and ideologies in life and vouch for them as mostly unchangeable henceforth, because of your strong faith in yourself. I believed so myself and was headstrong about it. Only to realize that your belief system is not foolproof, it’s fickle. And it’s not unbecoming of you to modify it, only natural. As you experience the world, its people, things, cultures, nature, settings, your thoughts undergo a million revisions and it sticks with a particular idea until a newer experience challenges it. And these experiences are not always life defining or life changing moments, they are simply perspective changing, most cleverly unearthing your hidden facets you didn’t even know existed within you. This is exactly who you are, discovering yourself anew every time. You never know yourself enough.

On a personal level, life for me was pretty much in black or white. However, as years passed by, as my repository of experiences enriched, as I saw more of the world, I perceived the myriad shades of gray in between. I want to refrain from saying rights and wrongs, they are merely shades and you find yourself switching sometimes from dark to light or light to dark. I have internally realized that as you experience more, you judge less. And when you relieve yourself of judging others, you also release yourself from your own judging eye and it is liberating. Sometimes you are so hooked on to your own code of conduct that it’s almost criminal to violate it. However, accept it or not, newer experiences make way for newer connections and newer value and belief systems. Difficult as it might initially seem to let go of your principles, the transition becomes very fluid when you stop making judgements.

Let’s put it this way, you might be a doting parent but you have surely lost all patience more than once with your kid and whacked or wanted to whack him. I have given in to such instincts at times, and sometimes I have overcome them. But the point is, not being a parent and looking from a neutral aspect I would paint a very dark tinted image of such aggressive parents. However, having been there personally I empathize with you and do not judge you or myself. I discount my behaviour as acceptable. So what’s right or wrong here? Nothing. There’s only my hostile neural activity and experience which helps me relate to other such parents. This was a simplistic example; however life has more to offer in terms of complexity.

As ordinary humans you and I face more implicit, tabooed and precarious dilemmas. You might have been so enraged to punch somebody right in the eye, you might have urged to know the psychedelic trance effect of a weed joint with your peers, and you might have desired to be flirted upon or dally with another attractive man or woman. May I say there might be more “scandalous” situations and choices that you might find yourself in. Curious instincts and urges have found their way to us at some point and it would be very hypocritical to deny their presence. I recently learnt that every slight decision that you make, takes into account your past and future. The brain with its exponential and infinitesimal speed and prowess of the unconscious substrata processes your past memories and future consequences with reference to the present situation and then takes a decision. So what you do with your instincts is a personal choice based on your evaluation. But because you have an evolved and intelligent consciousness, it is your decision to either surrender to immediate gratification or hold on to your will power. As simple as you might devour a chocolate here and now or forego it in the interest of your weight loss.

Whatever you choose to do, I might differ from you but I do not want to condemn you. Your right is different from my right but if at all I find myself in your shoes someday, I might understand your right better. Very often, you will find expressing yourself most honestly, frankly, boldly and uninhibitedly in the company of your most trusted mates because you do not fear being judged. It is a refreshing freedom to be you. Also very often, you look at others through filters of relationship roles and models. You might approve of something as a woman but not as a wife. You might indulge in something as a bachelor but not as a family man. Interestingly, despite everything, there’s still a YOU within you who craves for things beyond your socially conditioned periphery. And it’s very alluring to just be YOU sometimes. I am not suggesting any depravity, insouciance or recklessness in the popular sense here. I am only being audacious to acknowledge the instincts and not be judged for who I am.

I was born a daughter, years later I added wife and daughter-in-law to the repertoire and a few years down I collected another tag as a mother. But these are parts of me, I am not whole unless including my individual self. The great Rene Descartes very intuitively said, “I think; therefore I am.” And the fact that I am considering and writing this makes me sure that I really am. And it’s absolutely heady to feel yourself alive and thinking.