We are
well in June and to the relief of majority parents, most schools have reopened
or shall shortly do. The long summer holidays aren’t entirely regretted by mothers;
after all it’s a welcome break from the monotony of the machine like mornings. But
beyond the late morning joys, everything else is dysfunctional. My kids and
their cousins cribbed that they were being constantly nagged for eating food
that too home cooked, for showering on time, for watching too much t.v. or i-pad
and not being allowed to play cricket in the hot sun. I don’t deny the charges.
I un-fondly realize that we were indeed haggling over these issues every
morning.
Such
haggling usually drifts to mutually cathartic conversations between parents
which then stray onto comparisons. Comparisons between generations as redundant
as it is to do so, still happen and it is strangely entertaining like gossip. So
my case is that we as kids weren’t as undisciplined or as spoilt for choices,
or for luxury or tantrum throwing so why must my kids be. Can’t they be more disciplined,
responsible and less reactive?
So now
when this kind of conversation and comparison was happening on the dining
table, my mother couldn’t be quiet for long. She started her story about how as
a young daughter, daughter-in-law and mother their lives were so restrained and
bonded, how they feared their in-laws, they didn’t go partying late nights,
they were always cooking by hand for guests (of course they didn’t have swiggy),
using diapers for their infants was a luxury and how much they sacrificed in
the process of raising us up. I have heard this story several times before just
as my kids have heard mine and secretly we both wish that our respective
parents could stop narrating it another time. In fact when I meet my grandmother
or grandmother-in-law, they too often narrate lives and culture of their times
and funnily what stands out like in any gossip, is that that the narrating generation
is always the nobler and more efficient one.
The point
is when cultures change, social norms change and lifestyles change, it is
inevitable for people not to change. These changes are for better or worse is
another thing. When we are a very different set of parents today, how can our
kids not be different than what we were? So how and why do we compare our
children to our own childhood? Or why does a mother-in law compare her time as
a daughter-in-law to her own daughter-in-law. Such generational comparisons are
pretty much futile and out of context. What needs to be learnt, taught or
corrected in every generation should happen but making comparisons to the past
don’t serve that purpose at all. However, the undeniable fact remains that
there are real challenges in bringing up children today, from the day to day
food squabbles to other graver and intrinsic issues.
Yet,
another not so acknowledged fact is that dealing with parents is not any easier
either. Some matters of conflict are generational while some are specifically
personal. Our parents and our kids both have their strong back stories, while
we have our own. We are each coming from a different mind space with our accumulated
baggage both conscious and subconscious. And from where we see, the other
person’s behaviour seems highly unreasonable and inexplicable at times. A friend’s
mom doesn’t seem very keen that her daughter steps out for fun or enjoys the
night with her buddies. So most times her illness subconsciously gets worse on
those occasions and it seems valid to her for my friend to cancel her plans. It
sounds pretty irrational and is frustrating for anyone to endure. A reverse case I heard of was of a young girl
slipping into depression. She was a sweet, intelligent and talkative kid but
some skin and metabolic disorder changed her a lot as a young adult. In her
condition, a petite and fashionably dressed mother strutting around doesn’t
help an iota to her confidence level. While
for the mother it might be disturbing to see a young depressed daughter.
In both
the cases, they are all fighting their own demons. As an objective spectator, I
feel my friend’s mother and the depressed daughter must be battling through
intense insecurity to act unreasonably or feel dejected. Of course these cases
are oddly numbered, but we all go through hiccups and hitches while dealing
with our elders or younger ones. A parent child relationship at any age still
has a lot of interlaced strings of responsibility, expectations, and
attachments. As trivial as they are in the larger picture of life, they are highly
significant in maintaining the daily harmony in homes.
The problem
is that we are all looking at each other through the wrong lens. The lens which
doesn’t depict the other’s reality but our own reflections or shadows.We are
either trying to project ourselves in our kids or endeavouring to live upto the
lingering standards and expectations of an older generation. And I don’t think
this is changing anytime soon.
The most
important job any generation can do for its next is to pass on the experience
of compassion, respect, humility and humanity to feel and follow it on. If so
much is accomplished I guess we can live with the nagging and haggling of food
and screen time. Maybe that non-destructive chaos and conflict is really the
essence of a parent and child bond of every age and generation.
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