A cursory glance through my previous posts made me notice.
Notice that posts on relationships, especially the Adam and Eve ones, have a
much better pageview count than the others. And it only implied readers’
interest for such topics.
It is the biggest paradox of our lives that we so desire a
fulfilling relationship with someone and the same relationship in time can
become the bane of our existence. Or just a reason for some unnecessary strife.
But there is absolutely no disparaging that a companionable relationship makes
life so much more enjoyable, lovable and bearable despite its routine pricks.
What’s more interesting is that no relationship, begun whichever
way as a fling, affair, mental or emotional connect, stays exclusive or
confined to that mode for long. Not when both are mutually into it by personal
choice. Of course men and women are naturally driven differently with respect
to emotions and physicality but in time both aspects find a consensual
existence in a relationship. And a healthy friendship can run parallel in the
background.
A relationship completes you but it does not let you cease
individually. In fact that is the hallmark of a beautiful relationship, to let
you keep your individuality. This then also implies that no matter how enjoyable,
supportive, honest and loving the partner or relationship is, you are still
alone in it. All by yourself. And this aloneness might leave you feeling
vulnerable and insecure at times but not permanently if you know your
strengths. You have innumerable personal battles to fight on where you are the
solo warrior. Friends, companions, partners can only so much as show their
solidarity and understanding while the onus is upon you to win or lose the
case. And though they are personal battles, most times they have a huge bearing
and implication on the relationship status.
It’s such an evident reality that happy and cheerful people
are magnetic. They draw and attract people with their effortless joyous vibe. But
I might be all surly and sour because a phone call that should have come didn’t
come, a particular reply I wanted to hear wasn’t uttered or a “love you too” at
the end of the conversation was skipped. So now this upsets my mood and the annoyance
gnaws me inside. Does it help me in
anyway? Yes, forget charming more people, I might be repelling even the ones I have.
Expectations are the biggest game spoilers. And we are such slaves to it that
it is frustrating. Breaking this bondage is a horrendous task if not impossible;
it is a matter of constant conscious effort to remind yourself.
Having said that, I have also often wondered that when you
are hurt in a relationship, (and usually it is the non-fulfillment of
expectations which hurt) do you or should you let your partner/lover know about
it or work upon your aggrieved feelings individually? In the higher and
spiritual purview of life maybe you should take personal responsibility of your
pain and heal your emotional wounds on your own. But my devil’s advocate argues
that unless you tell the other about your anguish, they have no way to know it.
You pretend to be hunky dory, try to fix your emotions while the other goes
about their business as usual. Unaware of your internal ache, he begins to
assume that you are always sunny, unruffled and available at a beck and call.
Almost taken for granted at times, and that’s not a fair place to be in any
relationship.
However, it also makes me ponder, that when I reveal my hurt
to the other, I am baring my weaknesses. I am showing how much influence and
control I let the other have over my emotions. And this can be so easily
misused and manipulated if so desired. On the other hand, admitting your pain
to your partner needs courage and inner strength where you have overcome the
fear of appearing vulnerable, insecure or sympathetic. You acknowledge that
that person holds profound influence on you because he matters to you. Not
because you can’t live without him but rather you wouldn’t want to.
However, down the line it also occurs to me that for how long
or how much would you keep loving someone when the reciprocation doesn’t ever
meet your expectations. And it could be simply because you and your partner are
in different head spaces about the relationship and look at it in different
lights. But the crux is do you accommodate the relationship whichever way
possible because the pain of losing that person is worse than the pain of
unrequited expectations?
There are no straight answers to these knotty questions. Relationships
are very individualistic and volatile. They are highly subjective and personal
where each fights his own battle essentially alone. However, I think there is a
thin line between ego and self respect. Ego with expectations rings the death
knell for any relationship. So its best kept at bay. At the same time, no
relationship is satisfying, worthy or any longer pleasurable if you have begun
compromising your self-respect and individuality for it. In the same sense, detachment
and indifference have a hazy line between them. It’s good to be detached in a relationship
but unjust to stretch it to apathy. No one likes to be ignored specially by the
one you have given your heart to. And fool others but don’t fool yourself
because you very well know when you take a step out of ego or otherwise.
You need a very strong and supple core to fight these
internal battles. And this strength comes from deep inside you. It’s
essentially a journey within that equips you to make the outward journey
beautiful. A relationship could be such a great way of life if we could look at
it this way... a massive resource for spiritual growth. When you come across someone who gives you an
opportunity for mental pragmatism, emotional stability and physical fulfillment,
the mortal life can’t get any better.
Just remember you are still alone and on your own in it till the
very end...
(Disclaimer: The pronoun “he” has been used throughout only
for ease of read and implies both men and women unbiasedly.)
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