I had some Fun, Shhh...Don’t tell Anyone...

https://www.freepik.com/free-photo/frustrated-upset-couple-after-quarrel-sitting-sofa-home_3938891.htm

What pricks you when your partner has had some personal and private fun?

After long, it’s one of those mornings when I sit to write not knowing what to write though. However, my husband and I happened to discuss our ages over breakfast in some conversation and realized we weren’t really young anymore but of course not old as well.

In the middle of typing these sentences, I just happened to have a little fun chat with a friend. I commented on his profile picture being quite nice and teased if it was meant to impress somebody in particular. He replied frivolously, “I wish it was so because the idea is quite appealing.” To which I agree that the proposition of finding or having someone interesting enough to impress is indeed exciting at any age and we aren’t really old for that.

This brings back another tidbit exchange that I had with some other friend. It was around seven p.m. and he asked me if Abhishek was back home from office. My husband wasn’t and he is rarely back before that. My friend smirked with a grin, “But I think architects wrap up their work by 5.30.”   I gave him a knowing smile. He looked at the watch and raised his eyebrows, “It’s 7 now.” I completed the sentence, “That means he is having a good time somewhere. I am happy for the man.” I winked and we both laughed.  These were simply jesting and inconsequential banters that have no bearing on your lives. However, sometimes they help you understand your own thoughts better.

Returning home, my own words rang back to me, “That means he is having a good time somewhere. I am happy for the man.” That was a very spontaneous reply to a non-existent situation but which I really meant while saying. It suggests that a person indulges in some personal pleasure without the spouse being aware of it. But while seeking this happiness, he hasn’t altered his bonding with others in any way including with the spouse. The spouse is blissful in ignorance, because there is no reason or change in their personal lives to make them think or feel otherwise. In gist, the indulgent person is happy, the unaware spouse or partner is happy and everyone is happy.

However, the moment you come to know about it as an existing situation, the entire worldview changes. And it is this reversal in our mentality that struck me. Will I hold by my own same words if the situation comes up, I wondered. Will I still be able to say with the same calm, “I am happy for the man.”? I am not sure. And this self doubt makes me think deeper, that why does the mere knowledge of it really change our entire perspective. Because in truth nothing else has changed. You were never made to feel or felt unhappy, unwanted, uncared for even while your partner was indulging in his own good time. He took care of everything and everyone naturally without pretence while deciding to have some fun of his own. (I have used a single pronoun “he” only for the ease of reading. The entire context is equally applicable to men and women both.)

So our hurt, anger and pain stems from what and by what? By the fact that he decided to have some enjoyment without your knowledge, that you weren’t privy to your spouse’s life? Or is it jealousy that he/she has been having some extra fun while you did not? Or is it insecurity that you aren’t the sole proprietor of him/her or is it inferiority that you are not enough to keep him/her happy? Or a feeling of being cheated that something transpired behind your back, which didn’t really impact your life though. I think it would be a simmering upheaval of all of these, which almost snubs out your composure into cold ego-laced ashes. It is imperative to clarify here, that “a good time” has tens of interpretations as simple as grabbing a beer with a buddy or not-so-simple as a date with an attractive stranger or acquaintance or a friend and maybe more than that but it certainly doesn’t include a clandestine full blown continual affair.

• The eminent Gurcharan Das in his book, “Kama- The Riddle of Desire” couldn’t really solve the riddle in 500 and more pages, so what can I possibly do? I am writing here only for introspection and maybe an open discussion between mature adults. Yet the book was revelatory in a lot of ways. It touches upon the topic that a person has a duty towards his own happiness, “kama” meaning pleasure and pleasure unto himself, wherein he hasn’t made anyone unhappy. However, the news or information of his happiness becomes the bane of the partner’s happiness.

Matters that seem resolvable through logic and rationale are sometimes very hard to deal emotionally. I am at an age, and so will some of you be, where we have lived the excitement of love, understand the responsibility of a committed relationship and are delivering the duties of various roles. Yet we are biological and hormonal individuals where certain things are done purely for personal pleasure and which undoubtedly release endorphins and serotonin, the happy hormones. And this goes for everyone whether we admit it or not.

There aren’t any conclusions to such riddles or write-ups. They are best left open ended for some personal thought. And of course I better leave it at that because I write neither for others to agree, nor for endorsing any ideas but for the fact that the thought occurred. However, it is indeed fascinating to see how our minds operate, and create havoc with knowledge in an otherwise perfectly ignorant blissful setting.   

TWO GIRLS, ONE BALLOON AND MY BLURRED COMPASSION

What I am going to describe and narrate now, is hardly unordinary or uncommon in our lives. In fact it is clichéd, one that you have seen only too often, that has tugged at your heart only too often but something about it has happened only too seldom. And so, I too meekly and merely witnessed it and left nonchalantly.

Tadav ni Paar is the most bustling hangout of any summer evening in Jamnagar.  The patent chaos, crowd and humdrum of Indianness come alive here in all its peaking glory. Ice cream vendors, ice lolly vendors, soda shops, paan shops, toy hawkers, vegetable hawkers, balloon sellers, walkers, picnickers, thinkers,  families, couples, youngsters, grannies, nannies, grand pas, urchins, each one finds his very own space in the periphery of the Lakhota lake and contributes in the immersive sea of animated humanity. This ritualistic congregation is then gently and gelidly fanned by the eternal swaying breeze of my maiden town that delays any homeward departures of its people.

So at eleven o’clock that evening, we placed our orders for Dish Golas with malai and mawa. The super fine crushed ice, soaked in flavoured syrup, topped with a layer of smooth cream and sprinkling of nuts, will have you salivating any minute now. The noisy banter of all our kids was adding rightfully to the chaos, especially my daughter’s who has a gift for crazy antics and incessant blabber. Her five year old bubbly soul, zippy gestures and dancing eyes are beyond any containment. So while my mangy little girl with dishevelled hair was scooping her dish gola greedily, another girl of exactly her height with same lanky limbs came by. Her clothes were mangy too and hair dishevelled, but a spirit of determination set her tiny face. She came closer and both these girls adamantly insisted that I buy the balloon.

One of these was the seller and the other a prospective customer. Child labour is viciously pervasive in our poverty stricken over populated country, and I have seen enough young kids begging or slogging before. But when that girl stood side by side to my girl, it wasn’t possible not to be affected. The inequality in their destinies seemed unduly unfair. It hurt, it bothered. It bothered enough to make me write this story but did it bother enough to bring some change in her destiny? I didn’t cause that inequality apparently, so my responsibility to mitigate it ended with buying that balloon and feeling pity for her. And this is what I did.

   

There aren’t any easy solutions to such egregious national issues, but they aren’t insolvable as well atleast in parts. There are things that I could have done if I would have strongly so desired, but the cumbersomeness of seeing through that change needs tougher resolve. A lot of us are doing or trying to do our bit by giving back to the society or contributing towards a fairer world in big or small ways. And I unwaveringly believe there is enough goodness in the world, which is why it hasn’t toppled just yet. However, it brings me to the question of what is compassion? Is it enough to feel the pain and empathy or sympathy for another being to call myself humane or a real action to that end makes me meaningfully compassionate?

Yeah of course, empty empathy is no good though it is better than a blind eye or a cold shoulder. Yes, empty empathy doesn’t bring change but it evokes thought. And if it sustainably evokes thought than it might evoke an action some day in the simplest or smallest of ways. In fact, only recently we shared our stories on the same theme of “Being Humane” at the Meraki, Chennai. And though, there aren’t any conclusions or ready solutions after such discussions, it’s heartening that we are consciously talking about it or the lack of it. And when there’s a sincere thought, actions do follow sooner or later.

What I couldn’t change that day, I hope I will redeem it someday some place with someone else while that scruffy determined face will be my inspiration.

“APNA TIME AAYEGA” – THREE WORDS THAT GIVE YOU ALL WHAT YOU NEED... SELF BELIEF

There is something about beautiful art in any medium, which is deep, profound, thoughtful even entertaining that has the power to make you pause and think. I loved the movie “Gully Boy” for several reasons. It was laudable direction with sterling performances, it was honest and realistic yet optimistic, but most importantly because it told me, “Apna time aayega”. Everyone wants a little more from life, or so I guess. So when another rejection was on my way, Ranveer Singh’s rap anthem was my resurrection. Rejections are part of life and I don’t feel diminutive writing about it because I still have hope and yeah I still have self belief!

Out of this self belief I am writing another time. There is a scene in Gully Boy which remains etched in my memory for its soul stirring poignancy. Ranveer Singh is in the local train when his eyes fell on the unknown faces of his co-passengers boarded not just on the train but in this lifetime. His thoughts are transfixed on those faces that have no clue of where they are heading, what they are looking for or what aspirations remain buried inside. They are so lost in their quotidian existence, to have no recollection of where they started and where they want to end.  And while it’s not about belittling anyone’s life, nothing can be sadder and scarier than this sort of muted living.

It is never about big dreams or huge ambitions or vast fortunes, it’s always about what you want from your life and for your life. It is inevitably about self relevance. I had similar thoughts that I wrote long ago in my post “So what’s your Excitement Quotient” https://existence-explored.blogspot.com/2016/04/so-whats-your-eq-excitement-quotient.html when I saw the same lacklustreness in the eyes and faces of the people on the road. It troubled my spirit that day and the scene in the movie stirred me now.

Then I saw another very engrossing cinematic production, “Made in Heaven” an Amazon prime series. A very real slice of life but in a completely different context. Here lives have lustre, in fact an overdose of it. Yet that lustre, that fakeness peels off in bits every night from people’s faces. The glamour of designer clothes, the dazzle of wine and soirees, the elitist confidence and the power of wealth, all come together to create the most fascinating life. People in these echelons exactly know what they want from life, and yet when they reach there they want to throw it away or throw up at their own pretentiousness. It’s stark and dark reality, not just portrayal of artistic and fancy melodrama on screen.

In between these two worlds, one of morose mundanity and the other of ripe razzmatazz, there live a billion or more people trying to find their relevant footing in this world. People like you and me, who haven’t quite reached their desired shores, but are swaying over gentle waves of aspirations while guddling breathlessly underwater with responsibilities. But then some take the next step. People who are exiting their comfort zones, giving up plump corporate jobs and the convenience of New York’s neighbourhoods, because they do not simply want to live just because they still breathe.

The need for self relevance, self satisfaction gets much more compelling than the risk of failures or the risk of chasing borrowed dreams. This need is so keenly captured in certain frames of Gully Boy and the climax of Made in Heaven where the low down Tara (the female lead) painstakingly and unscrupulously becomes upper crust, but breaks down at the hollowness she build around her in the process and eventually runs away from it. We see our own reflections and shadows through others or in others which makes our own picture clearer.

The crackling catch phrase “apna time aayega” is self affirming that lets you hold on to your dream whether big or small, that lets you hold on to your self identity. I wouldn’t mind rejected proposals or failed ventures, whether commercial, personal or professional, rather than not have any passion to propose or pursue or a dream to venture or people to love. I am scared of being one of those passengers who doesn’t know why they go where they go and why they get down where they get down. I don’t want to live just because air still fills my breath, but because my breath has a purpose unto me. I want to live life like a gift that I am excited to unwrap.

YOU GIVE WHAT YOU HAVE... LOVE TO ONE, HATE TO ANOTHER. SO WHAT DO YOU REALLY HAVE?

There’s a beautiful video by Wayne Dyer doing the rounds on Whatsapp these days, in gist it says “what’s inside, comes out”. He uses this simple analogy of an orange to illustrate his point, no matter how much or how little, when or where you squeeze an orange, the only thing coming out of it is orange juice. The orange gives out only what it has inside, can’t give any other. Pretty straightforward.

By the same logic, we give out what we have inside. So when I give out anger, greed, jealousy or hatred, that’s probably what’s inside me. Similarly, I can also give out love if I harbour love inside me. In essence and by common sense you can only give what you have. You can only give oranges or apples to someone if you first have them. Fair enough.

I quite loved this video and its message and did share it with some friends. However, as I was lying down, retired for the day, there was another thought running through me. The orange gives out orange juice because that’s what’s inside an orange and that’s the only thing inside it. But what about us, yes we do give out anger, hatred, or greed but we also give out love, kindness and joy. So what do we have inside us in our locked cupboards? We have it all, we have oranges, mangoes, apples and we also have ridge gourds and bitter gourds. Complex humans that we are, we have a massive cocktail of emotions inside us. We simply give different things to different people.

Capable of showering kindness and warmth upon one but showing the same to another might be strenuous. And this is exactly the paradox of our daily lives, dealing constantly with varied souls. You love your sibling dearly, but you might not love your spouse’s brother or sister quite the same way. And it is not just about the filial bond at play, you find justified reasons to dislike them a bit. But those same issues or reasons don’t quite obstruct the flow of affection for your own sibling. You can go out of your way to reach out to a friend A but you cannot quite bring yourself to do it for friend B or B’s condition doesn’t evoke the same concern and care within you. But there might be a friend C who would do his best for B. In this entire sequence, who’s got what inside? You certainly have kindness because you helped A yet couldn’t do so for B. So does that make you compassionate or contemptuous? But C felt tenderness for B, so B is surely not a universally bad person too. There are no clear answers to these.

It’s rather easy for the orange, it only has a single component within it, so keeps gushing that out. However, even with the harmless orange, the juice is sometimes sweeter, sometimes a tad sour or slightly bitter. The externalities of temperature, soil, water, location etc certainly affect it and its inside. So what fate do we hold living in a world of constant reactions leading to multiple flavours brewing inside us? It would be grossly unjust to say that we only have negativity around or inside us. But yes, we are definitely incapable of maintaining altruism within us at all times and with all beings. We are both slaves of situations and slaves of individuals.

Coming to think, an ordinary human like me gives out what it receives. And it piles on its insides with these accumulated tokens instead of filling the same with its self generating benevolence. It’s as simple as this, someone gives me a birthday present worth five hundred, I make a mental note and at the time of reciprocation give him similar present of five hundred. Someone gives me a gift worth five thousand; I reciprocate with the same value. And the unwanted gifts just end up being circulated from one to another. Sadly, we have adopted the same referral in our emotional reciprocation, slowly becoming oblivious that emotional gifts are cost free and self generating. So might as well give everyone a richer gift. Not easy I know, because these richer gifts don’t pinch the pocket, but worse they pinch the ego.

 

I read a very honest quote by Ferenc Santa almost two decades back and it has stayed with me ever since. “Every man has his faults. It all depends on whether he has enough good qualities to counter balance them.” I don’t quote his words as a defence for my human frailties; I just think it’s true for and of us humans who haven’t quite reached the sublime state of constant love and giving it out. We have a lot inside us including love and naturally one or more of it comes out depending on how, when and who squeezes us.  But we could surely attempt to enhance the ratio of love juice in the cocktail, so that a bit of anger, greed or jealousy doesn’t really interfere with the flavour of life.

#SOLO#YOLO - Are such Hashtags changing our Social and Personal Lives?

Most times I am not sure why I write what I write but it’s just compelling to do so and thus I indulge. Last I wrote was about the hushed facts of married life and it generated some buzz, seemed like people did really relate to it. Then just recently, I got chatting with a very senior and dear associate and in the course of the conversation she learnt that I live in a joint family with a single operating kitchen. She was quite happy to hear this. Now of course joint families aren’t such an exception in our country yet, but it’s definitely not the norm also these days.

Honestly, I have neither reason nor the wisdom to preach about if people should live together or how and why and why not. But it brings me to wonder about the hushed facts of living together as families. To my limited maturity and experience, I think it would be the art of letting go without resentments.

Interestingly, whether or not families live together, they are definitely together on the Whatsapp and there is a very popular trend of forwarding these lovely positive messages every morning on family groups, friends groups and every possible place. It’s a nice practice in a way, sharing healthy thoughts! And if we can follow it even fractionally its worthwhile, a happy moment accomplished in the day. However, as part of these forwarded quotes, I find there are ‘some’ which assuredly tell you how you need to live your life on your own terms, how what others think of you isn’t that important anymore, how you need to please yourself before trying to please everyone else and more on similar lines.

There is a lot of wisdom and truth in these ‘some’ messages and I personally do find them inspiring. But the essence of them is more subtle and nuanced, covered beneath the layer of words. For our generation and times, which is faster, savvier, more impulsive and self gratifying, these messages can be interpreted very differently. Change is inevitable, and in any generation it comes with both straight and skewed ways.  Earlier it was the social conditioning, now it’s the social media conditioning that drives us. We swear by YOLO (you only live once), FOMO (fear of missing out), SLOMO (slow movement) and constantly do things or don’t do things to conform to fads. There is no personal reflection or motivation about it, only anxiety to tick the trends.

In this race to conquer the phenomenon of media fed lives, we are becoming more and more self centric. The “live your life” message likewise got distorted. It wasn’t about self possessiveness or disregarding others feelings or suit-yourself-attitude to fulfill every whim and fancy of your mind. It was for a quiet personal mindfulness before minding others. It called for contemplation, internalization and then a follow up. But I guess we started taking them literally, at face value. And the result is a visible breakdown in our relationships across the societal spectrum be it joint families, nuclear families or partners and couples. Empathy, thoughtfulness and restraint have definitely taken a beating.

Of course the social fabric in the previous generations was no better, mostly kept stitched only out of fear, dependence, social taboos and pressures but today it is snipping out of self centeredness. Our tolerance levels are much lower, egos are pronounced and sense of individuality is paramount. But sadly this sense of individuality is pretty superficial and incomplete which only categorizes us as either liberals, or feminists, or chauvinists or misogynists or activists. When we adapt or replace certain ways or ideas to cohabitate, it doesn’t diminish anyone’s individuality. It only makes your internal identity more courageous and confident. The earlier societies, atleast in the cultural subtext, might have been prejudiced, repressive and unfair. But today’s is somehow more vain, debauched and self indulgent. Not sure which one’s better.

Just take a moment to soak up our present living ethos. And it seems only right that we argue, put forward our opinions, even fight from time to time, be hurt and cause hurt and do all sorts of human things that we do but above all if we can step outside those moments and situations and let go ourselves and the other from its burden, ready to meet afresh without building silent walls in the heart, we might be really living our very own life.