Let me begin by a frank admission
that I think I taught my children to scream by screaming at them first.
“To kill a mockingbird”, I happened
to read this brilliant book only recently and am completely enthralled by the
profound simplicity and gravity of this book. I can’t add much to the already exalting
praise of the author or her writing except that it is one of the most beautiful
literary amalgams of thought, creativity and craft that I have come across. But
what truly touched me in the book is Mr. Atticus Finch, the lawyer, the father
and sole parent of the two central characters Jem and Scout. Why Atticus
alluded me so much is in the fact that I attended a ten session workshop called
“Parenting Matters” and every time I was reading the book he seemed to be gently
reminding me of all that I had learnt there but was failing to implement.
Mr. Finch is a man of lofty character and
benign understanding. At the same time he is a man of tacit and stoic demeanor
and maintains the same with his kids as well. He is a detached individual but a
compassionate father; he is a disciplinarian but with brimming empathy. He embodies
everything that an enlightened parent stands for. I have deliberately chosen
the word “enlightened” instead of “good” because every parent is good, in fact
they are doing or trying to do their best for their kids, out of ignorance or
awareness is another thing. In fact while Atticus’s character unfolded with
every passing page, I increasingly felt that Harper Lee modelled him based on
the workshop’s knowledge blended with perfect realism.
Parenting is a tough call,
raising another individual to become a worthy, self respecting and humane being
is by no measure a clear cut task. Our changed lifestyles and family set ups with
an exodus of parenting information only add to making it a highly emotionally draining
activity. However, my newly acquired knowledge on parenting made me appreciate
the complexity of my job and understand it as a science as much as an art. Our parents
did the best for us, gave us values, discipline, confidence and a sense of self
worth. However, in the course of this upbringing we were often disapproved,
labelled, criticized, not understood and whacked. We regularly do the same to
our toddler, young, adolescent and grown up kids and at times with teeth
clenching intensity. Yet, by and large all of us have turned out fine, and are
doing pretty well for ourselves. Not to mention that we love and respect our
parents. So most likely our kids too will turn out reasonably alright OR nurse
faint scars forever.
During one the sessions, we
traced back into our childhood memories and all of us came up with varied emotions
some were bright and happy others dark and cynical, which only showed that even
after years we still felt the burning and hurtful twinge of those disconnected emotions
somewhere deep. And our own upbringing very stealthily influences us in the way
we deal with our children. I was sort of petrified of my parents’ maybe I still
am, but my elder brother was relatively not, so he became my support system. A kind
of disaster management control which was available every time I was in a coup. This
in turn nurtured a very trusting, secure and special bond between him and me
which I still share. I also never talked back or argued with my parents, so I realized
when my son talks back to me it really antagonizes and upsets me. I cannot
accept it because I was never allowed to do it. More so, when my husband and I
planned to start our own family, I was very adamant that I wanted two kids,
preferring an elder son and a younger daughter because subconsciously I was
longing to see a continuity of my own sibling bond in them. How much we carry
from our own past experiences is unbelievable.
These realizations are
sensitively crucial when we are talking about parenting. Understanding our own
back stories and belief systems can open a lot of closed doors of connection. It
gives us an unbiased window to look at matters, with much needed empathy, trust
and open mindedness. And Mr. Atticus Finch does all of it so effortlessly. I might
sum it up as he respects his children as equals. And as a parent I wish to
emulate him. Enlightened parenting isn’t about garnering your kids’ co-operation
to get things done, it is about connecting. It is about responding rather than
reacting. And despite my new knowledge and Mr. Finch’s admirable inspiration, I
completely fail as a parent at times and I am not embarrassed to admit it.
Accepting yourself and others is the first and simplest step to progress. And I
am glad to be honestly trying.
But some days they manage to
drive you crazy without concession. Hence, I have cleverly shifted the onus of
being an empathetic and stable parent on them. Every time they get onto my
nerves I tell them, “Look I am trying real hard to be a good parent so please
behave yourself and don’t make me scream and shout because if I get angry now,
the blame is on you.” Jokes apart, I have consciously understood that empathy
and respect for your child irrespective of his age is the cornerstone of a
strong and sound parent-child connection.
